Eyes Opened Looking Forward
by friendoftheearth
Summary: A one-shot.


Eyes Opened... Looking Forward

I can't sleep, there's just too much going on in my head. The fact I'm so on edge, expecting the police to descend on me at any minute isn't helping, and neither is the fact I'm camped out in a barn!

I'm not cold or anything, its comfortable enough out here. I just want to be curled up in my own bed, at my mums or at Paddy's, anywhere as long as I can call the space my own, somewhere I know I'm safe, wanted and loved.

I've missed Emmerdale... the place that will always be home to me so very much, especially so since splitting up with Ed. Like I told Adam I was gutted when we broke up, and it was made all the worse by not having someone to turn to. I desperately needed a sympathetic ear to listen to me vent my hurt, a caring shoulder to lean on whilst I stumbled around emotionally. Most of all I needed someone to tell me everything would be OK, that I would be OK, but no, there was to be none of those things and I felt so alone, alone and scared.

I know I could have talked to Paddy or my mum over the phone, but that's not the same as having someone there with you, and I could really have done with a hug from either one of them back then. I just couldn't tell them how low I felt over the phone, they'd have only worried themselves sick, and no doubt they'd have traipsed over to France and insist I go home with them, that I do what was necessary to stay. I couldn't do that, not then. When my mum did come over to visit I hid the hurt and the despair I was feeling from her, I felt I had to. I let her and everyone else think I was ok but I wasn't, far from it.

I got by, I got on with things but I was so unhappy, miserable to the core and that ugliness, that soul-destroying sense of emptiness and hopelessness had me cut myself again, the release it gave helped... but only for a little while. I've battled against the need to do it again... but I've not always won the fight. I told my mum I hadn't gone down that path again... it wasn't the time to admit to it, but maybe now is, maybe now I can?

Edna's opened my eyes to where I've gone wrong and to the fact I have to put it right. I've got to start thinking about me, and about the people who truly do care about me, who love me. Adam will never love me the way I wanted him to. How could I have ever thought he would or could? That's just it, I've not let myself think about it, the thought might always been there, probably ever since that time I tried to kiss him. But Adam's reaction at the time and knowing he's straight has had me pretend that very emotion, that want and need wasn't there. Now I've accepted that it was all along and having faced it I've actually been able to crush it, put an end to it... and now I can begin to sort my life out. I have to face the music first but then I can start afresh, just like my mum said I could. I'm actually excited by the idea, and I'm looking forward to the distant future.

I don't like the idea of serving time though, it scares me but not nearly as much as being on my own does. I know my mum and Paddy will stand by me, so to the rest of the Dingle clan, I won't be alone anymore, the people I love will be close at hand and when I do walk free... whenever that turns out to be I'll be welcomed back into the fold, I'll be home and home to stay. That thought warms me, and that thought is enough to get me through the coming months... or years even.

It's not just the living that draws me back here, the dead do too. Jackson's here, and I don't just mean his grave, memories of him are so strong here and I have a lot of good memories of him now, memories that have overpowered the painful ones, its right what they say... time does heal. All the time I was in France I felt I'd deserted him, stupid I know and I know he wouldn't have felt that way but still I did. I've not been to the grave since coming back but I will, it's something I need to do, something I've missed doing.

I see now just how much I gave up for Adam, however right it seemed at the time I know now it was the wrong thing to do. I don't think I did him any favours in taking the blame for him, he didn't learn from his wrong doing, but then he never does. Adam's just kept on lashing out, hurting people when he's been hurt. I'd like to think I've learnt something along the way, that I've learned from my mistakes. I know I've changed, that I'm not so hot headed, not so bad tempered, not so violent or quick to react although...

I was way out of line with Edna! I raised my voice to her and worse still I grabbed hold of her and... how could I she's an old lady? When I realised it was her who'd told the police I was in Emmerdale I lost it. I felt betrayed but now I realise I had no right to feel that way. In Edna's eyes I'd done wrong. Edna was doing what she always tries to do... the right thing. She was scared of me I know she was, I could see it in her eyes but that didn't stop her trying to help me. I said some mean insensitive things to her too, and even though she'd hidden me from the police, and told me about a very personal and private part of her life just so as to help me, I didn't have the decency to thank her properly... I just gave her a grudging word of thanks before leaving. I should have thanked her properly, and more importantly I should have apologized for my behaviour... for threatening her in her own home. I acted like a mindless thug would! Maybe I haven't changed as much as I'd like to think I have!

No, no I am different, a better person in many ways and I've done some growing up too... and I'll prove that to her. What I do tomorrow will show her that I did listen to what she said to me, and that she got through to me when no one else could, that she truly did help me. I will have done right in Edna's eyes, in a lot of peoples eyes... and for the first time in a long time I will have done right by me.

END


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